Self Harm - by Caroline Papillon

Head swirling.  Thoughts racing.  Breath shallow, sharp.  Stomach churning, turning over and over.  Chest tight.  Heart empty, emotionless, dead.  Then you do it.  Shaking, yet sure hands.  Anger rising.  Suddenly outlet.  Release bursting forth.  And the blood trickles down from your open wound.  You feel... alive, just... alive.  Perhaps even slightly meaningful in that there is some life left in you, some sort of precious thing that may one day have the ability to recover, to overcome the pain, to heal.  You wash the cut, cover it over and dispose of the blade.  The wound stings but at least you know you are alive.  In control.  Hopeful.  Just like you will watch the wound heal, perhaps somehow, someday the same will happen to your heart wounds, your inner brokenness, your inner hurts.    Maybe they too will heal over.  But until that day you have this.  Self harm.  Punishment for who you are perhaps?  An outlet for your pain?  Survival?  Knowing you are alive?  Proof you are real?

Yet what are you supposed to do when you just cannot lift your head up out of the throws of depression; when everything is happening to you and out of control?  What do you do when your mind is taken over by the daily urge to inflict pain?  It’s not like those who self harm enjoy doing what they do and feeling the pain and shame that goes with it!  And no, those who self harm generally don’t do it because they want to kill themselves.  Far from it, it’s often the only way of survival, a deflection of pain, an outlet, a release, a control.

Did you know that according to UK charity MIND, an estimated 10% of 15-16 year olds have self harmed at some point?  That’s 1 in every 10 and these are only the ones we know about!  US based charity To Write Love on Her Arms state that about 4% of the USA population injure themselves or have self harmed at some point, and that despite popular culture leading us to believe that girls do it more than boys, there is little discrepancy between the two.  But why?  Why would you want to cut yourself?  What could possibly be so bad that you resort to physically harming yourself?  I am by no means an expert but I think that there are many reasons why people would self harm for example, using it as a coping mechanism, shutting out other hurts and pains with a more immediate, focused pain, controlling something when everything else is uncontrollable.  It is not often the cry of help, or attention seeking device that many people often think of it as, possibly to merely cover up their own ignorance in understanding the situation.
So, with such a large number of people hurting themselves, what can be done?  How can we help?  And how, particularly can we deal with this from a Christian stand point?

For too long, I feel that, rather than deal with the individual who is hurting we have instead focused more on the science and logic behind a seemingly bizarre method of coping.  Why did you do that?  That was silly?  You’re so emo...!   What!!!!!!!?????  There is someone hurting in front of you!  We really need to know how to act now and help now.  Bear in mind that those who self harm are people, real individuals with feelings, talents, dreams, a future, a family, friends, history.... not someone to be ridiculed or ignored.   So what help is there?

As previously mentioned, charity To Write Love On Her Arms is an amazing, non-profit organisation ‘dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide.  TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery’.  Their vision, despite not being solely focused on self harm, is as follows and can be found directly on their website www.twloha.com/vision

VISION:

The vision is that we actually believe these things…
You were created to love and be loved.  You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you're part of a bigger story.  You need to know that your life matters.
We live in a difficult world, a broken world.  My friend Byron is very smart - he says that life is hard for most people most of the time.  We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments.  You need to know that you're not alone in the places you feel stuck. 

We all wake to the human condition.  We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss.  Millions of people live with problems of pain.  Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay.  We know that pain is very real.  It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real. 
You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, that God is still in the business of redemption.  We're seeing it happen.  We're seeing lives change as people get the help they need.  People sitting across from a counselor for the first time.  People stepping into treatment.  In desperate moments, people calling a suicide hotline.  We know that the first step to recovery is the hardest to take.  We want to say here that it's worth it, that your life is worth fighting for, that it's possible to change. 
Beyond treatment, we believe that community is essential, that people need other people, that we were never meant to do life alone.
 
The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence.  
The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles. 
The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world.
The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.
The vision is better endings.  The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships.  The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love.  The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise.  The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change.  
The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.  
The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know.  
The vision is hope, and hope is real.
You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.’

Perhaps as the church and as individuals we need to recognise that there is a person behind the self harm.  They are not merely a ‘self harmer’, a label, a statistic.  Behind the wounds there is a hurting person, one who needs supporting, advice, and most importantly, love.  Not only this but we are talking about a human, God’s personal creation, someone who is precious and honoured, loved, valuable, someone who God took the time over to mould, shape and give an identity.
 
If you are reading this and you do self harm, well done for reading this far, it’s not easy to face your hurts.  Remember you are loved.  You are so precious.  You are valued.  Even when it doesn’t feel like it, someone wakes up every day and thinks about you.  Someone loves spending time with you.  Whatever you are feeling right now, there is hope, you do have a future, there is help available.  Why not talk to someone you trust, visit the To Write Love On Her Arms Website (www.twloha.com), or, if you are up to it, visit a local doctor?  This is your journey, no one else’s so ultimately you need to do what you are comfortable with.  It is wise to have people around you who can offer support and advice when you need it and who may be able to point you in the right direction to recovery.  Remember this is not forever.  There is rescue.  There is hope.  You can overcome this.  You are not alone.

My Story

The pressure in my head was so thick and intense, my whole mind was foggy and I definitely couldn’t think straight.  My body seethed with anger and nothing was settling it down.  I felt like a failure.  I was hopeless, worthless, stupid.  Nothing ever went right for me, why should it ever?  I hated the way I looked, I was way too fat, had ugly teeth and a gormless, grey, gaze.  People in school hated me too, that’s why I had been written out of so many friendship groups and put in a class of people I hardly knew.  I was a loner only fit for being ridiculed.  All I had ever done was try to be nice, but that obviously had the wrong effect.  Even my family didn’t like me and I always seemed to be the unconforming, rebellious one, who didn’t fit in.  I was the black sheep of the family, while my brother was the one everyone loved and admired.  Then to top it all off, I had missed getting into the university of my choice.  I had failed.  I was a loser.  There was no hope for me.  So I did it.  Cutting the blades out of a blue, bic razor, I cut.  But I didn’t stop at one cut.  Neither did I stop at two.  Three didn’t satisfy me and four still didn’t take away the pain.  No.  I didn’t stop till I had slashed my arms over 70 times over a two day period.  The release was amazing, I felt free.  My head no longer pounded, I could see straight and I felt I had punished myself adequately for the time being.  I was alive.  I had meaning.  Even if it was only the cuts who thought so. 

During my teenage years from about the age of 12 right through to my early twenties, this was a regular and even sometimes daily occurrence.  I started just using pins and scratching myself, but this soon developed into using razor blades, burning my fingers, pulling my hair out, banging my head on hard objects and even making myself sick.  The adrenaline rush I got from doing it was amazing.  But it was short-lived and I then had to face the shame of what I had done and work hard to hide my scars.  All the time I was doing this I knew it wasn’t right, I knew there was better for me, but I just didn’t know how to stop the addiction.  I saw counsellors, had prayer, talked to the school nurse, talked to teachers, even talked to my Mum all in an attempt to stop the pain but this was a journey, one which I had to make myself.  There was no quick fix solution.  Some of my friends have been amazing and so completely understanding.  But at the end of the day a friend can’t deal with your hurts for you, you have to do it yourself.  Eventually, and with a lot of prayer and a lot of help from various people I have been able to overcome my deep rooted hurts and become a conqueror of this ‘thing’ which took over my life for so long.  And I had to keep on asking for prayer, keep on seeing doctors and keep on praying until something happened!  Eventually, and after a long battle, things became easier.  The cutting and desire to do so became less frequent and I learnt to control my anger and pain into more controlled methods.  I think more importantly was also recognising what was making me hurt and dealing with the root of the problem.   At the moment I have been over a whole year without self harming and even then it was just a relapse.  I hope it continues to get better and better.